Do Friends Make You Let Go of Your Dreams and Goals?

After Sissy and I had our “Fun” evening at the Juvenile Department, Dale’s question nagged at me.  Sissy, unbeknown to Dale, had a very healthy grasp on who her true friends were.  I realized that perhaps, I did not. 

I have missed Wilson horribly.  I can’t seem to move an inch in our tiny cottage without seeing a treat or gift that he brought Sissy and I during one of his visits.  I look at my phone in the evenings wishing it to play “1,2,3,4 I love you” by the Plain White Tees – Wilson’s ring tone.  I miss talking to him everyday hearing his low, wonderful voice, or seeing his “FyreFyter” email pop up in mine.

I missed every moment we spent together in the last two years.  I wanted to bring him to staff parties again watch him work the room with his charm only to come back and wrap his arm around me.  I want him to surprise me again after showers with a warm towel from the dryer…wrap the towel then his arms around me.  I want to watch as he gives Sissy more driving lessons.  I want to see him take her by the hand again and introduce him to his family members.  I want to bring him coffee in bed in the mornings.

He breathed life back into me when I was still trying to wake up from the Bill nightmare.  He showed Sissy what a normal, loving man was and what it could mean to her and I.  He talked me into bungee jumping off of a bridge tied to him!  We felt it was a literal and spiritual leap for both of us.  (I don’t need to literally do it again though…thank you very much)  But it was an experience I will never regret…nor any of the time spent with him. 

I have been wrestling with my heart and soul whether I should have ever brought up commitment with him.  Did I make a huge mistake and lose the love of my life? 

We tried to talk one last time.  I wanted so deeply to convey to him how I felt.  He felt that what I was telling him was that all he had done for Sissy and I just wasn’t enough.

 “Why can’t you accept that simply opening my house to you and Sissy is the biggest commitment I can make?  I will never get married again or merge financially with another person again Tarie…I just can’t take the risk of losing half of what I have again.”

(His ex took half of his retirement and left him with huge debts financed into his house)  I tried to convince him to look at my past behavior – to see how I had been entirely different from his ex in my own divorce.  Though I should have taken Bill for everything he owned, PLUS his retirement, I never did.  I asked for my part of the house and walked away.  I promised Wilson that if it ever came time to talk about marriage or a financial merger, I would be willing to go to 5 different lawyers and sign 5 different contracts just so he would feel protected.

He said, “Those never hold up in court.”

Hmmmmm…..I think they would have.  I think perhaps, it is more so his heart that he is protecting other than his bank account.   I don’t want Wilson’s money, I wanted his heart. 

I tried to approach the subject of why I had even brought up commitment in the first place.  I was so over protective of Sissy.  He would be the only man I was willing to let in her life…but not if he couldn’t give us all of his heart.  He was not going to merge into Sissy’s life, be a father figure, and refuse to merge completely into mine.

He told me not to use Sissy as a pawn in the breakdown of our relationship.

I couldn’t speak for a while after I hear those awful words.  I choked back sobs.

The excruciating pain in his divorce came from losing money.  My pain (other than the obvious that Bill had hurt my daughter) was from losing my Faerieland….my garden….my rocks….my moss.  When I could finally speak again I explained through tears to Wilson that my one big dream was to own land to put my heart into again.

He quietly replied,  “I can’t ever give you that.”     

I

Hung

Up.

I haven’t spoken to him since.  He sent Sissy and I cards expressing his sorrows for the relationship ending.  It didn’t make us feel much better. 

So….today I put this thought on my heart and will let it sit there for a while….see what becomes of it~~~~~

If Wilson really loved me and was my true friend, he would want me to reach my dreams.  He would want to do it with me.  If he loved Sissy and wanted to be a family with her and I….he would.