OK readers, (though at this moment there are none…just my heart talking to the universe) I haven’t let you in on all of my pain yet. I figured – Gee, isn’t it enough to go through your husband molesting your daughter, find love again, only to have it walk away? That is pretty depressing in itself. Well, I guess my Karma or whatever doesn’t think that is enough.
My brother died a couple months ago. I thought there was enough pain in this blog to write about so I accepted God’s will and told him “good bye” privately. It’s hard I tell you….so hard, I thought at times my heart would break. This is the second sibling I have lost. My oldest sister died after complications from Gastric Bypass surgery. That was five years ago. THAT broke my heart. I started smoking then (sue me) and have spent those last years grieving, but hoping that she was watching over me throughout mine and Sissy’s ordeal. Then brother died. OK, God….fine…he was unhealthy…..you chose to take him - it is Your will. I am still grieving the loss of him. He adored Sissy and I. He wished death upon Bill…..what a good big brother. I pray he and my sister are now both watching over us. Now, for the kicker…I am number 7 of 7 children. I lost number 1 and number 4. Number 6 was just flown out on life-support to the big city hospital yesterday. Her heart “blew up” was the explanation I was given. The life-flight EMT’s told her husband “Be prepared, it doesn’t look good.”
She made it through the night last night. Number 2 sister is with her. I got the call from work and tried very hard to have a nervous breakdown. My co-workers gave me full permission to go ahead and go “bye bye” in my brain if I needed to. God dammed if I didn’t. Nope, my blood pressure just soared and I had to come home. NO escaping this reality yet. My brain is too strong. Lucky me.
So today, I sit by the phone. I smoke on and off. I wonder what kind of camel am I that my back isn’t broken yet?
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